Time flies when you’re funemployed

23 Jul

One of the strangest parts of being unemployed is that I have no grasp of how time is passing. Every other period of my life so far has had a clear timeline: the school year, summer vacation, camp, internships, trimesters, programs,  breaks between academic terms. There were moments of uncertainty about what was coming next, but I always knew how long things would last and when I’d be on to something new. I was always aware of how time was moving and what I could look forward to in the future.

Right now, I have no idea what is coming next and it feels like time is moving so slowing, quickly, and confusingly all at the same time. Aside from a few small things, I have absolutely nothing planned for the foreseeable future. I am seriously shocked every time I glance at my calendar and realize what today’s date is. I cannot believe that July is almost over and that in just a few weeks, I will have been out of college for 5 months. One month after that, my first student loan payment will be due.

Someone asked me a few days ago what I was doing this summer and I paused for a moment as I remembered that summer is a distinct period of time that we are currently inhabiting and that I am, for the first time, not really doing anything this summer (aside from looking for a job, networking, etc). As someone who thrives on planning and structure, it’s been a good experience for me to create structure for myself rather than relying on other people to make it for me. At the same time, it’s hard to do this in a new city, without a car, and while trying to save money.

It’s odd to be trying to find ways to pass my time after so many years of finding ways to utilize my time. I think that what I’ve realized in these past few months is that I don’t really want either extreme. I don’t want to be toiling away, working so hard that I’m counting down the days until I can rest again. I also don’t want to be bored, trying to fill my hours with something that resembles productivity. Both of these states happen when I’m not content with where I am, only now, I’m not sure when this period is going to end.

And so my summer  of funemployment continues, without much of a plan, but with a deep desire for something to change soon. I know that changes in life are always a combination of action and patience; taking steps to make things different and waiting for something new to happen. I’m trying to sit with both of those realities right now as I keep trying to find a job, a community, and a direction while waiting for things to finally come together.

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